Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*