tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
You Might Also Like
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
where’s Godzilla when we need him
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you