This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
channeling her this year
marvel comics have peaked
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“I’m helping” 😅
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.