Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
You Might Also Like
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
So many pants.
So little yoga.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.