My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
This sounds bad:
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.