Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
podcasts
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now