My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
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My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.