The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Gross if literal…Liverpool
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.