I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
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BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings