Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
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I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.