My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
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Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
me and who
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC