Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”