When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
twitter is a journey
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.