30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You Might Also Like
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Science memes
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
For the baby who has everything
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.