When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
You Might Also Like
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.