[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.