If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
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What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.