If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
not for long
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.