My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
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Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago