Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
me before I type out affect or effect
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors