Spell check is for lasers.
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Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
It be like that sometimes 😆
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?