Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
This was my dad’s browser history.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.