[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
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[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Good news
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing: