Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
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Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
marvel comics have peaked
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms