me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
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Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.