Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
You Might Also Like
Netflix and scream at our children?!
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.