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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-