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HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
be careful
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well