If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
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Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
one of
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Think I pulled my liver
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Pretty much! 😂👀
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”