Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
SPLOOT
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.