You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
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It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.