Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
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Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
first you must answer his riddles
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.