any last words?
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Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
There’s only one good girl here!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing