best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
pat pat
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN