Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
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cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.