If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
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Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.