Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me