Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
You Might Also Like
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Finally a use for spoilers…