I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Saturday
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Are you ok, human???
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I think about this a lot
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…