If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
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[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
stop
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?