I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
You Might Also Like
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”