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Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun