My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
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For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
LOOOOOOL
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches