nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs