I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.