“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
You Might Also Like
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.