Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
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Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me