I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
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i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.