My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
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I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.