Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
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PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
LOOOOOOL
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
courtroom exchange of the day
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
See..?
.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad